Singledom taunts me in ways it shouldn’t. Everyday rituals turn into constant reminders that I am not a “we”, but a mere “she.” There is no “aid” to my “kool”, or any “cool” whatsoever in my life, save for the whipped topping afloat my cup of hot cocoa as I sit and watch Glee reruns on my laptop every Wednesday night. There’s also the “cool” feeling of the leather of my empty passenger seat of my baby-blue Dodge since there’s no one ever accompanying me in a car ride to dinner at the parents.
Now, this isn’t a pity party folks. Oh, on the contraire, this is a highly satirical piece of literature, mocking my singledom in this world of coupled joy. Every thing has an opposite thing. Protons have electrons. Democrats have Republicans. Fries have ketchup. Bella has Edward. This whole chummy world is all coupled up, and I’m wasting my youth watching Rachel and Santana battle it out in another McKinley High mash-off.
Even my weekly trip to the supermarket proves to be a mocking experience. As I meander my way through the frozen food aisles in search of my Friday night date: Mr. Rocky Road, I come face to face with trite remarks from the frozen produce. A bag of iced peas with the slogan, “Just for One” threatens to jump into my cart while the “Dinner for Two” frozen pasta entries stare mockingly at me from across the aisle. It’s a cold, cold world—especially in the frozen food aisle; and I’m just trying to find the ying that will compliment my yang, or at least the ying that will bust out the engagement ring.
Yep, I fly S-O-L-O. So low, in fact, that I don’t even realize it as an impediment any more. For me, being a lone ranger with an enviable collection of high heels and wine bottles is a good thing. I never have to worry about some two-footed loser scuffing up my dusty gold platform pumps on the dance floor or some beer-gutted boozer knocking back all my good wine. No, being single is much better. It’s much more cost-effective too. It takes me twice as long to eat through restaurant gift cards, and I even make a profit buying Living Social deals. Yep, I’ll buy those online coupons that get you two tickets on a dolphin cruise for a ridiculously low price, use my ticket, and then sell the other to some tourist on the street who thinks he’s getting a steal. There’s nothing like a little old-fashioned Flipper swindling.
So all in all, I would say this whole singledom thing isn’t much of a hassle. If anything, it kind of has its perks. Sure, most of my nights consist of High School musical spin-offs, frozen peas, and the occasional Rocky Road date, but at least I can make my monotonous single life somewhat profitable. Now, my only trouble this holiday season is trying to avoid the sweaty office assistant Sal who always tries to corner me underneath the mistletoe at the holiday office party. Maybe I can take the advice of Santa’s reindeer. I may not be Cupid, a Dancer, or a Vixen, but I can dash away from awkward embraces like no other. Cheers to an empty misteloe folks, and Merry Christmas to you and yours…from me (just me).