So I started this article with every intention of writing about the horrid, horrendous, and humorous dating blunders that I made in 2011 with a precise list of personal dating Dos and Don’ts for 2012. But then I realized that it would be significantly less self-deprecating and far more entertaining to pay tribute to all of the courting catastrophes that I experienced in 2011 due to the mis-steps of my testosterone-filled dance partners by creating a dating Do and Don’t list for my future love interests.
Follow my lead boys…
- Do continue dabbing on that seductive cologne. I don’t know what James Bond smells like, but I imagine that he smells like you. Keep the fragrance alive my love. I don’t care if you are piling on Abercrombie & Fitch or Sex Panther, use that stuff like liquid deodorant. One more spritz, and we’re heading to the Ritz…for our June wedding.
- Do pick me up for our date! Okay, so with the conflicts in the Middle East, gas prices are outrageous these days, but you offering to pick me up for a date makes me feel like a princess. You’ve heard those stereotypical rumors about how women are such horrible drivers compared to men. Although that is statistically incorrect, we, the genius gals of this generation choose to propagate this misconception about our inability to drive. Why? Well, to convince you to pick us up for dinner of course! Stick shift and lipstick, heels and the gas pedal—they just don’t mix.
- Do hold the door open for me. But I’m not just talking about a restaurant door or a store door. No, I mean the car door. I know, call me crazy. That requires you to walk around the entire perimeter of the car! But here is how I see it: A mere boy leaves a woman to open her own doors. A mature man courteously holds open a building door for a woman, but a true gentleman walks a step ahead and grabs the car door for a lady. Looking to score some simple brownie points? Abre la puerta amigos! Just think of all the exercise you are getting. That’s what I call bi-winning!
- Do have a plan. I don’t care if it’s fro-yo on a Saturday afternoon or a night out at an art show. When you ask me to go on a date with you, I love knowing that you already have a plan. This eliminates the awkard, “So where do ya wanna go?” car conversations. Just pack me in the car and whiz me off to our next destination!
- Do tell me all the intricate things about you. Where you work and what you studied in school are great conversation starters, but tell me the juicy stuff too. What’s your favorite spot to hit up on a Friday night? What’s your craziest college story? Do you have any hidden tattoos? I’m tired of commenting on the dreadful economy or whether or not Pauly D breaks his gym, tan, laundry routine, intrigue me with your individuality.
- Do invite me to hang out with your friends. Okay, so maybe I didn’t realize that the Tropicana Field wasn’t an orange grove or that Tom Brady has a career outside of dating supermodels, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t hang with the guys on a Saturday afternoon. If you are really serious about me, incorporate me into your life. Make me feel like you want me to be a part of your memories of today and plans for tomorrow by bringing me around your friends. I may not know every NFL statistic, but I look pretty darn good in a sports jersey. So why not show me off?
- Don’t spend the entire dinner conversation explaining how you once played a joke on your high school friends using the soundtrack to a pornography tape and pictures of goats. Believe it or not, I’m not interested, and you are ruining my appetite.
- When we lounging at my apartment, don’t compare pictures of my female relatives, trying to determine whether or not I will age well. That isn’t sweet. It’s kind of creepy.
- Don’t contact me if you have a girlfriend. Do I really need to explain this one?
- Don’t keep talking about your ex-girlfriend. I don’t care that you loathe her or that she’s “psycho.” Every girl has a little bit of “crazy ex-girlfriend” material pent up inside of them. She’s your ex, your baggage, your problem. You talking about her five times on the first date doesn’t bode well my friend, and that is exactly why I don’t give two shakes about this EXtremely, EXtraordinarily unEXciting topic.
- Don’t call or text me if you have a wife. Yeah, you keep trying to push this one. But no, I haven’t changed my mind. I don’t believe you when you say that your marriage is over. Over equals moved out, individual banking accounts, no wedding ring, and notarized divorce papers. Otherwise, it’s soooo not happening dude.
- Don’t play it safe. If you’re into me, let me know. Because chances are, I might just be in to you too. You being upfront and relentlessly pursuing me is so much more appealing than me trying to figure you out. If I wanted an enigma, I would grab a crossword puzzle. All I want from you is an easy-to-read signal.